The Grudge
A little pissed off at the moment on the behaviour of a few people I know. On the weekend at the event I was running there was an issue with the store I was working with and whether the store actually received the allocated free stock to give out to participants. There is a conflict with the store and a few players (and one parent) stating that they were essentially robbed of what the store was required to give them. At the moment there’s a situation were it is the word of the manager of the store against the word of my boss who lives in another state.
I am in the unfortunate situation of being caught directly in the middle of the crossfire. I was only aware of what was given to us by what my manager said and only found out at the very end from my boss that ten times the allocated free stock was sent and received at our store. According to my manager, he received nothing. The only thing he could do on the day was to give out the tiny bit that he thought was given to him. He couldn’t make the supposed allocated free stock appear out of thin air so was stuck in a situation where people unfortunately went home with much less than they expected to.
Now an investigation has been launched into the store and whether or not they are fit to host the events that I run. This is really unfortunate because it could have been cleared up very easily. Once the stock is found it can easily be shipped out to people and everyone will be happy. However, some people are setting up some vendetta because they feel that mere material compensation is not enough. The only problem is that if they succeed in their vendetta then the entire state loses events. NSW is probably the 2nd or 3rd state with the highest amount of event participants in Australia and we could lose it all because some people want justice. I’ve tried explaining the store’s position and how it was justified but these people are too hot-headed to even accept that. Even some of my closest friends are against me on this one when I thought that they would be the most understanding to my position. It’s a real, real shame that the greed of some people will intentionally want to strip away so much from over a hundred people at my events. It’s really disappointing. This may also put an investigation into me of whether I’m fit to run these events too and could potentially lose my job. I’m hoping it will all be sorted out positively and nothing bad happens, but we will see.
Because I Said So
When I was a kid and I wanted something that my parents wouldn’t let me do I quite often heard the phrase “because I said so”. Every time I heard it I always used to ask ‘why?’ to which they kept repeating “because I said so” and I constantly got annoyed at my parents because I could never understand the reasons behind their actions. I look back on it now and see how bad it was to hear that statement because I couldn’t make connections between behaviours and their consequences or outcomes.
Sometime during the last week or two at work a mother and her little girl (or boy, couldn’t really tell) came to the counter and I was doing their transaction. The little girl saw that we had fairy floss and she started jumping up and down begging the mother to buy her some, to which she received a ‘no’. Then she asked ‘why?’ and got a loud and intimidating “because I said so” to try shut her up. Not only did this make the girl upset but she started making more and more noise about it. The mother, clearly embarrassed, tried to just ignore her and continue the transaction with me. The mother began talking to herself for a while (it was a little weird) and briefly said that she wasn’t going to buy it because she didn’t think it was good for people. The girl obviously didn’t hear it and was too busy crying on the floor grasping the fairy floss like a parent who is about to have Social Services take their only child away from them.
I just thought to myself ‘why don’t you actually just take 20 seconds to explain to the child that you think fairy floss is bad for her and that the sugar will rot her teeth?’ That way the child can make a connection that fairy floss = bad for her. Otherwise she doesn’t understand WHY you are denying it to her. Even if you have to semi-fabricate something close to the facts, that would be better than giving no explanation at all. The “because I said so” gives no reason or understanding as to why children cannot do certain things and the only option they can come up with themselves is ‘mum or dad are mean and are punishing me for no reason whatsoever’. I don’t think that it’s healthy or fair on the child to be denied that information for their own wellbeing.
I was tempted to say something but I really hold myself back from situations like that. I don’t believe I’m in any position to give my opinion on someone’s parenting skills, especially in the work force where a negative reaction can be bad for my employment. It really drives me insane though when I hear parents say “because I said so” in almost any context.
Precious
A lot of people seem to be having a shit time in life at the moment. Jumping on the pity bandwagon seems to be a trend these days too. Maybe I just never noticed it before but I’m beginning to notice more and more people on Facebook post ‘pity statuses’ hoping for their friends to jump to their emotional rescue. Initially I felt for these people; your situation sucks and that’s too bad. But the more and more they bait people with these types of statuses the more I get pissed off.
I’m thinking of a few people that come to mind instantly who do this. One acquaintance is unemployed and has been looking for a job for a while now. I just had a quick scroll through his profile and almost every status for the last 3 months has been about not having a job. “I wish someone would hire me”, “being unemployed sucks, someone give me a chance?”, “interview didn’t go well, can anyone help me out please?” Stuff like that for months. I legitimately feel sorry for the guy; finding a job is difficult.
Another example is another acquaintance on Facebook. She’s one of those people who got in a relationship not too long ago and every status is “I love my gf!!! <3 I’m so lucky”. They broke up recently and she has turned to the “I feel really ugly”, “Nothing ever works out for me”, “I’m so misunderstood, what should I do?” Breakups are rough and you feel a little shitty about yourself and the situation. You have every right to grieve your loss but don’t bring others into it. She’s baiting others to show their concern for her in a hope to boost her own self esteem.
Posting a couple of things like this occasionally would have been fine to let people know you’re going through a tough time but the constant spam of it is nothing more than emotional blackmail. It is preying on the compassion of others and portrays you as a victim. We don’t like to see our friends suffer; we feel guilty when they are, especially when we don’t do anything about it. These acquaintances are hoping someone on Facebook will assume the role of a rescuer and save them because they are unable to do so themselves.
Most people would just say to unsubscribe from their updates, which I have done, but ignoring it doesn’t solve the actual issue. Sending them a message telling them to stop it is not only none of my business (what people put on their profile is up to them) but it is an attack on the already low self-esteem that they have. Communication really does solve a lot but this is one thing that getting involved in would be far too much effort on my behalf and plays right into their pity game. I’m just over all the whining.
Cast Away
Are we alone? No, I don’t mean aliens. I have been doing some reading for an assignment that I have on existentialism counselling and was poised this question. It refers to our every day life and experience within society as being alone, which is part of the human condition. Given that what we see, what we hear, what we perceive, is only capable by ourselves. No other person is able to know exactly how we see experience the world because they are unable to. How do I know that you see the colour ‘blue’ exactly the same as me? This is a given in existence. I will never be able to understand how you perceive ‘blue’ because I am not you. You are not able to give me that experience because we are separate people.
We are all alone and are in a constant state of isolation. Because we are alone we are faced with defining what life means and how we use our freedom to make meaning of life. But we are challenged. If we are unable to tolerate ourselves alone then how can we expect anyone else to be enriched by our company? The paradox is that we are alone but not alone at the same time. We can relate and share an experience. When we both look at the colour ‘blue’ we cannot truly understand what the other is seeing; however, as we both perceive the same medium we can relate to their experience of that colour. Understanding arises.
We flourish when we are connected with other people but we first need to have a solid relationship with ourselves before we have a deeper one with anyone else. In a way we seek out others in an effort to escape our isolation. We are afraid of being alone. Our seeking for connectedness relieves our feelings of aloneness. It gives us meaning when there is meaninglessness. Feeling interconnected with others is our reaction to our eternal isolation.
American Psycho
I picture my dad like Patrick Bateman. In the public eye he’s the person that will appear successful, wealthy, adored, respected, and has everything someone could want. But alone at home away from the prying eyes of people who aren’t his wife or sons he’s a narcissistic demon that is hell-bent on slowly destroying your self-esteem, selfishly manipulating you, immune to criticism and slander, denying anything wrong he has done, and eroding any love or emotion you have. A true emotional axe murderer. I warn all of my friends before they meet him that he is a monster but they’re met by a sweet, old man and often criticise me for being harsh towards him. It’s all a façade; a big act that’s put on for them to appear elite and normal. He is nothing that he says he is; his entire public personality is the biggest fraud since Enron.
For the last week my entire family has been engaged in World War Three. I’m not sure what exactly started it this time. Mum says it was because she cooked some fish a way that dad didn’t like and she wouldn’t back down when he got shitty about it. He used that as his excuse to get shitty at everyone. I stayed out one night this week and got home the next day with a father waiting to devalue my entire life because of it. But the reason I decided to write this is because of something that happened tonight. Mum and I were watching a movie in the living room. Towards the end of the movie a couple of scenes got quite loud. We have one of those TVs that has really soft dialogue and really loud action scenes so have to constantly change the volume of a movie numerous times throughout it. Dad came out and whinged that it was too loud when in fact it was just one scene and the volume was very low. He then decided to come out in the last 5 minutes of the movie and have a massive rant. Mum and I had been reading some articles (simple Google searches, nothing special) on dealing with his type of behaviour, which basically said that if you want to challenge their world views in order for them to change you can’t let them win. Apparently if you don’t they are reinforced that they can replicate that type of behaviour and just manipulate you more. So I decided not to back down this time. He ran out of arguments and logic so began on the personal attacks. Normally I back down when he results to that but decided not to this time. He eventually snapped and threw some homophobic comments at me, and then he walked off. They were the first homophobic things he has ever said to me. I was physically shaking afterwards. I’m not sure if it was because I was upset or because I was angry at him.
So I decided to do some proper research and started going through some psych-related research and other journals I had collected, but never read, over the years. Research suggests that you can never change a narcissist, ever. Their elitist worldview is so entrenched that they will never be able to change it. Apparently that the best way to deal with narcissists effectively is simply agree with them (even if you don’t actually agree with them), not reacting to their cruelty, never embarrass or insult them, and make them seem important in regards to everything. I’m sorry but no, I can’t do that anymore. I had been doing it far too long and the only result out of it was father who felt superior. He felt good and I felt shit. If I fight back then we both feel shit. Some testimonials from adult children of narcissists say that the only way to begin healing yourself is to get out and stay out. If you are in constant contact (e.g. living together) the more that time passes that greater their toxicity damages you emotionally. One article I read said that research has found that a destructive cycle is created within the ‘victims’ of a narcissist, who can be transferred onto children due to repetition of behaviours. If I want to start a family some time in the future I may unknowingly emotionally abuse them due to the abuse I have had most of my life. I don’t want to be another product dispensing narcissism to my kids or partner. One of the hardest parts is accepting the fact that dad’s narcissism is so ingrained that I have to give up hope of ever being accepted, respected, and understood as an individual person.
So now I’m left with the same situation that I have always been in. I have blogged about my dad before and how narcissistic he is, plus the thoughts of escaping by moving out of home. What annoys me the most is that I’d need to drop to part-time college if I moved out of home in order to pick up shift or two more at work so that I could afford the absurd prices of renting in Sydney. I am stuck with the dilemma of just finishing my degree as quickly as possible, which is still one-and-a-half to two years away full-time. If I went part-time it’d take an extra year or two to finish my degree. I’d also have to find a place that’s relatively close to my work so that I could drive (or at worst, bus) home due to finishing at late hours. The best thing about living at home is the convenience… Much to think about.
Penelope
I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I’ve been working through some personal issues with a counsellor and really like the work that has been done so far. I went in for one presenting issue and the work has shown that there is a whole underlying theme that is not only influencing my behaviour in a negative way but has shaped me and my values as a person. This, of course, surfaced with the initial issue I wanted to work through.
It slightly scares me that I don’t really know who I am. I have always believed I knew what I stood for and believed in but now it seems to be showing that there is some implicit force motivating me to be a certain way; and I don’t like that. I find it slightly amusing too. I always used to laugh at psychodynamics about how our problems can be traced back to issues in our childhood. Then I found out that it’s kind of true, at least in my context. What worries me is that deep down I have been aware of these underlying themes, acceptance and rejection (of myself and of others), and have tried to use cognitive awareness to become a more positive person. However, that hasn’t worked and it was revealed to me in my session today that it influences me in places that I didn’t even know it did.
So now I feel like I’m searching for myself. There are parts about me that I hate and I’m hoping that I can change those for the better. I have a strong feeling this is going to take a while as well, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily. Although despite the pessimism I am actually really happy with myself at the moment. I want to change myself for the better and am taking that step. Choosing to seek help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s quite the opposite. I have the strength to say ‘hey, this isn’t right. Let’s make life better’. I want to move away from the feelings of rejection and accept myself for who I am. Feeling pretty empowered at the moment :)
He Was a Quiet Man
Going to go on a bit of a rant now about pet peeves. I usually just suck it up and grumble when I get annoyed by them but they’ve been overly present in the last few days that I need to vent. The biggest one, which is more of a general one, is people who are inconsiderate of others. To be more specific, people who eat loudly, and people that are thoughtless drivers. Also some work pet peeves too.
There is a standard of etiquette when you’re around others and you’re eating. In my household my dad eats with his mouth open so loudly that it actually makes me feel sick. My mum always says that it’s because he wasn’t raised with the appropriate table manners or something like that. My dad’s teeth are in pretty poor condition; they’re all crooked and look terrible when he smiles. He should have gotten bracers but my grandparents probably couldn’t afford it all those years ago so his teeth just got worse. So when he chews on something the teeth grind together against each other in ways they aren’t meant to as they’re out of place. It sounds like something out of a caveman movie; gnawing on the bones of a dead animal. You can hear him eat from around 5 metres away because it’s that loud. Sometimes I get a little snappy and tell him to chew quietly with his mouth closed because it’s rude and gross, yet he sees that as an attack on his nobility and just tells me off then continues to eat like a pig. Sometimes we can’t help it when we’re eating something particularly crunchy but I at least try to chew quietly and I always have my mouth closed.
Secondly, thoughtless drivers. I am a person who likes to get where I am going relatively quickly whether I am walking or driving. So I always know where I am going and don’t like being delayed when the delays can be avoided. I absolutely hate when I am behind a car waiting at the traffic lights; the lights go green and I expect to go. Suddenly the car in front decides to put their indicator on wanting to turn. WHY? Now I’m stuck behind them when I could have avoided this entirely if they indicated much earlier. Also, drivers who don’t know where they’re going give me the shits. They start to slow down, drop to 25km/hr, and start looking at street signs because they’re lost. Cars start piling up behind them and they don’t have a care in the world while they try to get their bearings. Usually if I haven’t been somewhere before I’ll look up the directions before I leave and I’ll have a map open in my car just in case I get lost. On the rare chance that I do get lost I quickly pull over into the first available spot or turn into a quiet side street where I can park and work out where I am. I try to never hold up people behind me because it’s not fair on them.
I could probably write a thesis on what customers say that piss me off at work. We have to deal with debts; people return our movies late and have to pay an overdue fine. If those movies were actually on the shelf on time then other people could rent them out. As they’re not in store then people can’t watch them, we lose money off rentals, customers get annoyed that our products aren’t available, etc etc etc, so late fees are a compensation for us at a very discounted fee. We don’t profit off late fees like everyone believes; we lose money off them. Some people come back with the nerve to complain about how our fees are expensive and demand some sort of satisfaction. No, absolutely no sympathy for you. It’s not fair on us and it’s not fair on other good customers who return their rentals on time. If you have a legitimate excuse then we can work around that but because you ‘forgot’ you had our rentals is inexcusable. If you borrow money from a bank and don’t pay a required amount back in time then you cop a late fee. The banks aren’t going to give you sympathy and waive it because you ‘forgot’. You enter into a contract stating you will abide by our terms and conditions. That involves returning our rentals by a specific time and if you don’t then you are charged. Don’t go bitching that we’re robbing you when you can avoid late fees altogether by simply getting off your arse and returning our product/s on time. It’s not hard.
